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Mar 25
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The Dark Herald's avatar

Disney doesn't spend it's own money to finance its movies, (nor does anyone else). The financial contracts stipulate theatrical releases, numbers of theaters, amount spent on marketing and a bunch of other things.

Disney would have loved to have ditched this one in the Iron Vault of Tax Write-offs but they didn't have the option.

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ShootyBear's avatar

The description of calling in a WP artillery strike on yourself like some sort of incompetent 2LT is money! I loved every sentence of this review!!

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war-pearl's avatar

Hot take: because land is inherently scarce and apples spoil, an apple-currency economy couldn't be inflated. A commie monarch would figure out how to screw it up.

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Nate Winchester's avatar

For one thing - being communists - they would run out of apples.

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K.M. Carroll's avatar

Apparently Snow White beat out the Dragonball: Evolution movie as the lowest-rated film on IMDB. Truly a historical event.

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Nate Winchester's avatar

The memes have been hilarious, but I wonder how this is measured.

Rollergator is 1.3 on IMDB. (which is still too high for it)

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0207061/?ref_=fn_all_ttl_1

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Douglas Marolla's avatar

You had me at “girdle”.

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Joseph L. Wiess's avatar

*sighs* Disney has lost its originality. They can't come up with anything new to save their ass.

The original Snow White wasn't a kids show, it was a retelling of a German folk tale. Like most German folk tales, it was dark and gritty. The only reason Disney tales are bright and cheery is that they are for general audiences.

Disney is getting billions from BlackRock and vanguard, so they can burn money preaching socialism.

People should just ignore Disney movies when they come out.

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Jake Spear's avatar

"The queen rightfully kicks her out of the throne room for being a communist retard."

Loud belly laugh.

"Live action Lilo & Stitch is coming"

WAIT WHAT???!!!!!

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Greg's avatar

As if that’s not bad enough, DreamWorks have started remaking their animated movies, too. “How to Train Your Dragon,” starring Gerard Butler (again) and an improbably non-Nordic female lead, is due around the same time. *sigh* Wake me when it’s over.

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Ensign Dilligaf's avatar

Another tiny plus point: for all the musical theater crap in it, there was barely a whiff of the gay.

On a related note, somewhat shocked that Schneewittchen wasn't another virgin birth who is to bring "balance" to the universe.

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J. Adam Kane's avatar

I feel you were holding back a lil too much here

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ScuzzaMan's avatar

1/5?

Is there no zero option? No null hypothesis? No zero star fucks given?

Bloody optimists.

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Sara the Editor's avatar

I knew it was bad, but man, that sounds BAD.

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Zaklog the Great's avatar

This movie bombed so hard, it’s been retitled Enola Gay.

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Dan in Alabama's avatar

"Uncanny Grand Canyon"

I'm dying.

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Joe Katzman's avatar

“lamely declares she’s fairer in that she’s a good Communist.”

Wait, she’s DEAD?!? If this is really a zombie film, it suddenly gets much better.

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Lapachet’75's avatar

John Lassiter, of Pixar then Disney, understood “it’s the story” that’s important. Apparently, the current crop of “creatives” at Disney need to relearn that truth.

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Andrew's avatar

Conversely, Walt Disney believed that CHARACTERS characters, not plot, were the most important

If you watch most if his films, they have a threadbare plot but lots of interesting characters bouncing off each other

Think of the crows in dumbo, the mice in cinderella, the fairies in sleeping beauty and the original dwarves.

Is there anyone in these new movies who lights up the screen like King Louie (Jungle book), Madame Mim (sword in the stone) or Lucifer the cat (cinderella)

The early renaissance had Sebastian the crab (little mermaid) and scar (lion king).

Even the dark age had fish out of water (chicken little) and the bowler hat guy (meet the Robinsons)

We seem to have nothing but bland stock characters now. They need personality.

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